BBC5 film critic Mark Kermode announced [direct .ram link] earlier today that if Bride Wars [trailer below] was not one of the 10 worst films of 2009 he would quit film criticism. Meaning if in the next 356 days (the film comes out January 9th) there are more than nine films produced that are worse than Bride Wars he will end his nearly 30 year career as a film reviewer. For any fan of pithy (but never glib) film criticism this is cause for great concern.
He goes on to outline some of the movie's grimmer offenses:
- "Some people will tell you this is a chick flick, only in the sense that if you ground it up and fed it to battery hens it might be better served than running it through a projector."
- Kermode affects an exaggerated American lisp to ponder whether the ultra-skinny Kate Hudson takes up less physical or intellectual space in the ether.
- He then goes through the entire Kubler-Ross gambit of emotion determining whether or not the film is an existential homage to Harold Pinter, satire or just terrible.
- The show is broadcast live, and a listener writes in with an idea for a possible Bride Wars sequel, combining the concept with Steve McQueen's film Hunger about the 1981 IRA hunger strikes in which 10 prisoners died.
Film industry, I implore you, we cannot lose a critic who can summon (and inspire) such delightful observations from a film that's clearly blasé as Bride Wars. Pick up your game, chowderheads!
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