a dadaist blogging of the Golden Globes

Jennifer Hudson sweet but wow, kinda dumb.  Beyonce's crying! This Leo gag is cute.  J Ti!!!  Prince is short, LOLLERSKATES!  Jeremy Irons: I.... am... AN ACT-TOR!!  The wee little Nicholson daughter, what a creepy tradition.  Aww, Kyra Sedgwick! You rock, but why didn't anyone love you enough to tailor your dress?  OMG, is J Lo talking to Martin Scorsese??  Vying for a role in his new Teddy Roosevelt biopic?? OMG!!! Renee Zellwegger's dress is GORGEOUS.  And anyone who knows me knows how hard that was for me to say.  Will Ferrel makes love to the camera.  Wow, there are a lot of tv shows I've never heard of.   How is Sarah Paulson so egotistical when she didn't even exist last year?  Emily from the Devil Wears Prada so cute!  What is this movie, I want to see it.  J LO!!  Jess from Gilmore Girls gives me the wifebeater vibe.  Jason Lee, I want to stab your beard.  What is this insane LSD-soaked screensaver behind the awards acceptors?  Kiefer wants to kill funny-funny Hugh Laurie.  He probably wants to torture him while a thousand clocks tick tock in the background.  Lots of green dresses tonight, I dig it.  Nancy O'Dell, I'm sure you're a lovely person but to me you will always be the ho bag that got Austin Scarlett kicked off Project Runway.  OMG, Hilary Swank with another sob story...  God, you make poverty dull.  Aww, Charlie Sheen intros his big brother's film... DRUNK!  "STAND UP!  DO IT!!!"  You know what, I liked Bobby and I don't care who knows it.    New Category, OMGz!!!  Uhm, cartoons... yay.  So creepy when men thank wives for bearing children and the women just have a dazed smile.  WTF, was that a racial slur at Tony Shaloub?  Okay, I usually hate when people bring out the list of names to thank but I make exception for Meryl Streep.  Why is Reese Witherspoon still 14 years old?  How is that even possible?  Wow, another British queen movie...  Hey! I found Prince!  Hah, Eddie Murphy FOR FREE?!  Poor Sarah Jessica Parker, everyone is talking while she talks!  And she appears to have skinned a very shiny snake and slithered into its carcass.  Bill Nighy, that wasn't very nice to steal Mr. Scorese's glasses.  Oh dear, Cameron Diaz, your outfit... no.  Also, why can't you read a teleprompter?   Wow, producers told someone to wrap it up and they did.  Tim Allen -- still retarded.   OMG, I too am a smart, beautiful, courageous business woman who occasionally walks into glass doors!  Hottest hair of the evening: Vanessa Williams.  Whoa!  Haha, Dreamgirls in 800 theaters!  Well said, Jamie Fox.   Woot, Clint!  Oh no, Drew Barrymore!  Hugh Grant just said you can't pronounce a French name!  Nu uh!  A win for America Ferrera is a win for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!  Yay!  What a dumb tv hostess: What do you want to say to all the people who didn't want you to play the Ugly Betty role?  America: Uhm, I don't know who that is.   Angelina Jolie: "I could be saving soo many indigent orphans instead of doing all this blithe clapping.  Blah."  Wow, I went to go get more mints and Warren Beatty is still onscreen .  OMG!  Martin Scorsese Wins!!  I wish they would've played Dropkick Murphys while he walked to the stage, hee!  Yay, I'm glad Scorsese knew the film is called Infernal Affairs, Ms. Diaz did not.  OMG, Devil's With Dirty Faces! Scorsese's geeking out!  Whoa, Borat is hot...?  And British!  ANUS AND TESTICLES! Oh it doesn't get any better than that.  Ice-T is on Law & Order, this is why I don't "watch television".  EWW!  DANE COOK GO AWAY AND DIE!!  JUST LIKE YOU TRY TO DO WITH LAUGHTER ITSELF!!!  Whew, J Lo time!  Yay, Dreamgirls!    Stop hushing the gays, fake orchestra!  Gimme gays!!  Aww, couple presenters are so cute.  Especially when they are smoking hott.  Grey's Anatomy, I don't get it.  Helen Mirren better get a raise after tonight.  Leonardo DiCaprio, master of the double nod.  Forest Whittaker wins!  Not a big surprise but great to see, he's been "up & coming" for like, 20 years.  Thank God, someone in this heathen town finally thanked God!  Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (never going to get used to that) presents the final award?  I hope he's still high on painkillers.  So much sarcastic, drunk clapping from Alec Baldwin!  Despite his being a wifebeater I think we could drink beers together.  No one is less interested in this award than the Governator himself.  And the award goes to Crash Internationale.  MEXICANS ARE TAKING JOBS (and vanity awards) FROM HARD WORKING AMERICAN DIRECTORS!!  By the time you read this Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu will be in Guantanamo Bay.    I ate an entire bowl of mints while watching & writing this.  Great night!